about death

A dear friend of mine passed away two months ago, and it's been so hard dealing with it in so many ways. First there's been the actual grieving about losing someone close to you that's so young, and then there's been all the things you realize after something like this happens.

When I was younger, I always feared death of my loved ones and I've always been willing to give up my own life for someone I love. Not as a matter of speech, but as an actual act. At first I thought it was a selfless act of love, but with time I realized it was just easier dying oneself than dealing with the loss of someone you love very much.

Now that I'm a mother, things have changed so much... Of course I'd be willing to die for my son, no questions asked, but the idea of me dying now doesn't feel so easy. When I'm gone, what about him? Will he grow to be a great person, will he learn everything I want to teach him? Will he get all the love I give him every day? How can you stand the fact of knowing that if you diye, you'll never get to see him grow, do stuff in school or even get married when he grows older? How can you stand the fact of knowing that if you die today, you'll be nothing more than a lost memory in your kid's head?
When you become a parent, life gets so much harder everyday... All the decisions you make everyday affect your little ones up to the bones, and sometime we don't even realize that.

My friend's death also made me think about friends. You know you love your friends, in fact you know WHO the friends you love ARE, but how about telling someone every now and then how important they are? Now that she passed away, every sort of beautiful things have been said about her, and I've come to realize that she may not have known all that. Maybe if she knew just how loved she was and what people felt and thought about her, she could have been, I don't know... 10% happier in life?

I mean, it's nice knowing people love you for who you are, but we're not used to hearing it a lot. Then again, maybe if people were always telling us just how wonderful we are, it would become meaningless... It would be extremely corny too. I'm not the kind of person that calls you and tells you I love you. I'm not like that. I only tell I love them to my son, husband and dogs; but I never call a friend and tell them they're special. It feels so... I don't know. It's just not me.

So all these thoughts have left me in a place where I wander through my brain every night, first thinking of the worst in life, then feeling so vulnerable and finally feeling so blessed for everything in my life. I've always lived my life the best I can, and I always try to be happy every moment, but I must say that losing someone close to me so young, has made me change the way I feel about life in many ways.
I believe in destiny, and I think that when your time comes, there's nothing you can do to cheat death, I just don't want my time to come until I get to see my kids have their kids and eventually be grandparents themselves.

I miss you my dear friend... This still feels like a bad dream, but in my heart I know this is life and all we have left from this terrible tragedy are good memories and the ability to learn.
Just be happy. Always. Support your friends and family and specially your kids in every aspect of their lives, and never, ever take for granted the people you love.

second child?

Ever since I gave birth to my son I've been thinking about the second child... I've always known I'm gonna have another child and give my son a sibling, but it's a hard to decision to make.
At least for me.

First there's the pregnancy issue... I know there are millions of moms out there that say it's the most wonderful experience a woman can have, but I'm definetly not onw of them.
For me, pregnancy was about gaining 50 pounds, nausea, back pain, bad sleep, being tired... Anything but a wonderful experience. Of course I'm aware that 90% of those problems were my fault... And probably all of them came from my disability to stop eating, or at least eat healthy. Without the unnecessary weight gain I wouldn't have had back pain and bad sleep. And I wouldn't have looked like tweedle dee and tweedle dum... Which took my self esteem to below the ground and made me feel miserable every once in a while (and me eat more, because you know, what the hell, I already look like a ball).

Second there was the nursing issue. I loved nursing my son, I did for 9 months which I thought was perfect, not too little, not too much. Just right.
The thing about nursing is, that's your finally able to go out and do something, but every 2 hours you either have to pump or breastfeed, otherwise you'll burst through your ears. At least I did. So I must admit that after 6 months or so I was done with the nursing thing, but since I said I was gonna do it for 9 months, well, I did it. (I won't deny the amazing experience this is, because I did love it, having this tiny person look you in the eyes and hold your hand ♥)

Then there's the OMG I'm bringing another child to this crappy world thing. I'm not worrying too much about this issue right now because I'm sure that at our home the world is not crappy, so I'll start worrying about that later in life.

So after 2 years of planning and thinking, we've finally decided to get pregnant again, and now I'm starting to get all anxious about other stuff that I didn't thought about before...

You see... One of the things I hate about myself is that I'm too square minded in some things. If already say I'm gonna do something some way, I can't do it another way. I just can't.
Like, if we plan we're going to the zoo x day, on that day you can't change my plans... I'll be going to bed all week knowing that x day is the day we go to the zoo.
Same crazy thing with music for example... I hate skipping songs in the car, because then I feel like I've heard some songs more that he others, and that pisses me off!
I know you'll think that's stupid, and I totally get it, I think that too, but I can't help it.

So going back to the having another child thing, I worry a lot about doing things different with a second pregnancy/birth/child. I'm wondering now if I should have a c-section or give natural birth? My first son was planned as a water birth, but for some unknown reason in life, I ended up having one hell of a labor and a c-section.
So my first choice is to have a c-section, but that seems silly to me... Why submit to surgery when I could have a water birth? But then I think that's not fair with my first child, because that was supposed to be HIS birth. And then I think I'm just crazy and wonder if I even should try to get pregnant again and become a crazy mother again.

Then I think about it... My first child is wonderful. And I'm not just saying that because I'm his mother. He is truly an amazing and wonderful person. What if the second child comes out all crazy and mean?? What if he has trouble sleeping? Or is a picky eater? Or bites and hits?? What if what if what if??

Then I stop again and think that my first son is so wonderful because me and my husband have taught him to be that way, and any other child we have will probably be the same way because he will be raised with the same love and understanding as the fisrt one.

So this are the issues on my mind these days that we've finally decided to get pregnant again...

I just hope I can keep my mouth shut and avoid looking like tweedle dee and tweedle dum again.

this is me 6 months pregnant