about death

A dear friend of mine passed away two months ago, and it's been so hard dealing with it in so many ways. First there's been the actual grieving about losing someone close to you that's so young, and then there's been all the things you realize after something like this happens.

When I was younger, I always feared death of my loved ones and I've always been willing to give up my own life for someone I love. Not as a matter of speech, but as an actual act. At first I thought it was a selfless act of love, but with time I realized it was just easier dying oneself than dealing with the loss of someone you love very much.

Now that I'm a mother, things have changed so much... Of course I'd be willing to die for my son, no questions asked, but the idea of me dying now doesn't feel so easy. When I'm gone, what about him? Will he grow to be a great person, will he learn everything I want to teach him? Will he get all the love I give him every day? How can you stand the fact of knowing that if you diye, you'll never get to see him grow, do stuff in school or even get married when he grows older? How can you stand the fact of knowing that if you die today, you'll be nothing more than a lost memory in your kid's head?
When you become a parent, life gets so much harder everyday... All the decisions you make everyday affect your little ones up to the bones, and sometime we don't even realize that.

My friend's death also made me think about friends. You know you love your friends, in fact you know WHO the friends you love ARE, but how about telling someone every now and then how important they are? Now that she passed away, every sort of beautiful things have been said about her, and I've come to realize that she may not have known all that. Maybe if she knew just how loved she was and what people felt and thought about her, she could have been, I don't know... 10% happier in life?

I mean, it's nice knowing people love you for who you are, but we're not used to hearing it a lot. Then again, maybe if people were always telling us just how wonderful we are, it would become meaningless... It would be extremely corny too. I'm not the kind of person that calls you and tells you I love you. I'm not like that. I only tell I love them to my son, husband and dogs; but I never call a friend and tell them they're special. It feels so... I don't know. It's just not me.

So all these thoughts have left me in a place where I wander through my brain every night, first thinking of the worst in life, then feeling so vulnerable and finally feeling so blessed for everything in my life. I've always lived my life the best I can, and I always try to be happy every moment, but I must say that losing someone close to me so young, has made me change the way I feel about life in many ways.
I believe in destiny, and I think that when your time comes, there's nothing you can do to cheat death, I just don't want my time to come until I get to see my kids have their kids and eventually be grandparents themselves.

I miss you my dear friend... This still feels like a bad dream, but in my heart I know this is life and all we have left from this terrible tragedy are good memories and the ability to learn.
Just be happy. Always. Support your friends and family and specially your kids in every aspect of their lives, and never, ever take for granted the people you love.